It's been two and a half years since my last post, and so much has happened in that time. This is the first post in my reboot of this blog. The goal is to post once a week consistently. If nobody reads it, that's fine, but this is a very effective way to work through my thoughts.
First - why has it been so long since I posted? The past couple of years have been difficult. I didn't feel like my old self, and with the encouragement of my wife, I started to see a therapist. That was one of the best decisions of my life and I encourage everybody to do the same. We need to destigmatize taking care of your mental health. Through the therapy process, I was able to identify and start working through my issues with C-PTSD and anxiety. I have rediscovered myself and am so much closer to being the person I want to be than I have been in years.
Now - what is rolling through my mind tonight? I was talking to a dear, dear friend this evening and briefly complained about the attitude of some of the kids on my team during lacrosse practice this afternoon. As she so often does, my friend challenged me to think about those interactions in a different way. She suggested that they could be exhibiting their own anxiety, resisting the vulnerability of trying something new on the field, and only being willing to do the things they feel they are best at. (The short backstory is that I was complaining that kids refused to play a different position during practice even though the alternative was not playing at all.)
The thing I found most interesting about this interpretation of the situation is that we were both assuming anxiety for the kids, but handling that anxiety in different ways. She hypothesized that the kids were unwilling to take the risk of doing something they don't think they're good at. I, on the other hand, saw the opportunity to play a different position as a low-risk situation. If you are playing out of position, then there are no expectations on you. As long as you try, it is impossible to disappoint. Both of these perspectives are good examples of the manifestations of anxiety, and I've been trying to figure out the difference between the two. I think the main difference is where somebody gets their validation or invalidation.
I suggest that the player who refuses to play out of position is somebody who self-validates or more likely self-invalidates. If he plays badly in the new position, he will feel terrible and blame himself. He can't be satisfied with his effort unless he is successful and is worried that he will be disappointed in himself. My interpretation of the situation is based more on my history of not wanting to disappoint other people. If I play out of position, then I can't disappoint anybody. It's not my position - I shouldn't play well there. I suppose it's similar to the "You can't fail if you don't try" attitude.
This attitude is something that has really changed for me over the last couple of years of blog silence. Two years ago, the anxiety of disappointing others was almost crippling. Now I am back to the person I want to be and really am - still definitely an introvert, but eager to try new things even if I risk failure. That's a result of becoming more confident in who I am and liking that person. I think my number one goal on the lacrosse field needs to be to help these kids become more confident in who they are and like themselves more too. Courage is a habit, not an intrinsic, immutable quality. How can I help my players and students (and myself) practice courage? That is the most important question.
