Am I a hypocrite?

I had a very strange experience this week. I attended a private boarding school in high school. My mother taught there, so I got to go for free. I had a small group of friends at the school that I hung out with around school. As day students, we were allowed to go out to lunch if we had enough "merit points," and David, Derek, Mike, and I frequently went out to eat together. Those three were definitely my best friends at school. Outside of school hours, though, I spent all of my time with friends from the local public schools. Because of that strange dichotomy of friend groups, I have ended up not keeping up with my school friends much since graduation. I am Facebook friends with three or four, although a few of those wouldn't have given me the time of day in high school. The strange thing is that I have no contact at all with David, Derek, or Mike - my best friends from school.

Reading through the school alumni magazine this week, I found a story that Mike had been murdered in an incident of gang violence. (He was an innocent victim.) The good news is that, after some internet investigation, it looks like the Mike who was murdered was actually a different person with the same name as my friend. The person in charge of that section of the alumni magazine is working on figuring out the truth, and I know he will find it. He is an old friend, one of the most important mentors of my life, and one of the smartest people I know, so I am confident that he will find the truth if it is there to find. All of that is not really my concern here, though. The point of this post is my emotional roller coaster over the last couple of days. When I first read the story, I was stunned. Such a tragedy happening to an old friend was shocking and very upsetting. When I figured out that it looked like the story was a case of mistaken identity, I was relieved, but also angry about the emotional stress I had gone through since reading the story. That is when the word "hypocrite" started to haunt the back of my mind. Since he graduated in 1988, I have made no attempt at getting in touch with Mike other than searching for him on Facebook (unsuccessfully). Now, 23 years later, I feel like I've had my emotions abused because I thought I'd lost him. If I really cared that much, why have I not made a greater effort to get in touch with him? Was he actually not that important to me? In that case, I am a hypocrite for being upset that I was led to believe he'd been killed. Was he really that important to me and I had a right to be upset? In that case, I am a hypocrite for complaining that the alumni magazine did not make a greater effort to check their facts when I have barely made an effort to keep in touch with such an important old friend. Yesterday I felt like the alumni magazine should be embarrassed for publishing that story without knowing the full truth, but today I realize that the embarrassment is actually mine for my reaction.

Is there a lesson here? Lots of them, actually. First, if somebody is important to you, keep in touch and let him or her know. Second - if you don't make an effort, then you forfeit any right to complain about the effort of others. That applies in almost every aspect of life. Finally, remember that almost everybody you encounter in life is trying hard to do their best. People make mistakes, but almost all of them are honest  mistakes. I talk to my kids a lot during sibling squabbles about assuming that the other is actually a nice person rather than interpreting every action as evil or inept. I think we all can use a little reminder of that sometimes. We have a habit of associating the actions of the most extreme of a group of people with the whole group, whether it is 9/11 bombings with Muslims or bigoted comments with a specific political group. In my experience, almost all Muslims are good people, as are almost all Christians, Jews, Buddhists, and atheists. Almost all homosexuals are looking for stable, monogamous, long-term relationships, as are almost all heterosexuals. Almost all Republicans and almost all Democrats are generally good people who want the best for this country, but disagree on what that means or how it should be achieved. I think the world would be a much better place if we look at each other as always having the best motives and always making our best efforts. Sometimes we'll get burned, but most of the time we won't. I forgot to assume the best this week. Does that mean I am a hypocrite? I hope not. Instead I think it makes me human.